Peace with Love

I never knew friendship before love. But with you I saw a soul that meshed well with the battered one I still carry. Just being in that presence brought me strength for tomorrow and joy for today. When our souls connected through the windows of our eyes, I saw something I've never seen before. I saw peace and enjoyed staying in that peace. Holding onto that peace. Smiling and laughing with that peace. And even just enjoying the company of that peace. Hating that the day had to come when I had to say goodbye to that peace without knowing when I would see it again. That peace now calms me at the very thought, when the world tries to attack my soul. But with each day that goes without your peace...my barrier of protection dwindles. Now I'm once again left to fight for something that I can only hope will be a slight resemblance of that peace. I never knew friendship before love...but I can finally say I've known peace...and with that I'll finally be able to know love...

Black and Paranoid...

The idea that Korryn Gaines was paranoid could be true...the idea that what she has lived through and seen could've given her some type of PTSD could also be true...while I may not agree with how things went for her in the past I for one understand the feeling of paranoia when in certain situations...She has seen the brutality and killings of her people from those in a position of authority...and I know a lot of the folks who disagree like to look at her past or situations she "put herself in" but I offer this as a different point of view...
At a young age I remember hearing/learning about major racial profiling in Jersey on the Turnpike...
At the age of 18/19 I was pulled over in MD on my way to CSM (community college) and was told they were looking for an individual/vehicle and I fit that description...I wasn't dragged out the car or anything crazy but you don't forget your first time...
Once in California (Travis AFB) I was walking home after being dropped off at the gate after work...someone called the police to come check out what I was doing...I was on one of the main roads...luckily on base you're not worried about Cops treating you a certain way and it helps When people know your dad so they know it's nothing...
When I was stationed at Langley AFB I was pulled over twice leaving Poquoson (small little town outside of base)...first time no explanation or any long process...second time (at night) I was on the side of a wooded road with two cop cars behind me and two cops shining lights into my vehicle while one hand on their hip...Was given my DL back and sent on my way (nothing about why I was pulled over and no ticket)...
There were at least two separate occasions I can remember hearing that the police in Norfolk were looking for a suspect, no biggie right? Wrong, the description was so vague that almost every black man I knew in that area fit the description, so no going out for me that weekend...
Once driving to visit my family in Alabama I was pulled over in random Tennessee...it wasn't the being pulled over that stayed with me all these years but the events leading up to being pulled over and the events after I was pulled over...I can't remember what highway but it was one where the Northbound and Southbound lanes weren't right next to each other...wooded/mountains type terrain...I drove a 2004 Trailblazer, blue with stock rims (i don't like flashy). I'm driving cruise control behind and 18 wheeler, maybe 5 over speed limit at most. We pass the cop who's off road and he immediately pulls onto the road and behind me (I'm riding the right lane since there's only two)...he's following me rather close but I'm not thinking anything about because I know I'm not doing anything...I decide to go around the 18 wheeler as we go on a little incline...cop shoots out and speeds up behind me so I get back in the right lane thinking he'll pass...nope. Eventually he pulls me over...I'm now questioning what I did and making sure I have everything he's going to ask for before he gets there...as he walks up to my truck he's doing his best to search what's in my truck through the window...provide him with my DL and registration when he finally made it to the front...what felt like an eternity later he comes back and says he pulled me over because my license plate bracket was covering my license plate...I know that's crap but I say I'll fix it and I was shook to the point where I didn't stop again until I got to my parents house...I get out and we look at it and you can read it clear as day...
In my short life I've been pulled over roughly 10+ times which isn't bad at all...but out of those situations I've received 4 tickets (two speeding, one red light, and one for apparently being too close to the car in front of me)...on the other occasions I've never been pulled over for something and given a warning or just let off this time...
Here in Ohio I was riding around looking for apartments to live in...I got to one neighborhood right after the leasing office closes so I was parked and seeing if there was anywhere else to visit for the day...an older white lady saw me and in the next 5 minutes she drove past my vehicle no less than 5 times to see what I was doing...on the last past pulled up and stopped behind my vehicle and took down my license plate...This could've easily led to an "anonymous" phone call saying God knows what...
I won't go running in my own neighborhood after the sun starts going down bc of looks I've received walking and running around it before by a few people (during the middle of day)...I have great neighbors so I'm Not worried about living here but I don't need to be in a situation to where I'm questioned walking in my own neighborhood...
Not saying this to say anything negative about law enforcement as a whole or stereotyping a race but saying to show that after a while paranoia becomes a real thing. To this day anytime I pass a cop that's on the side of the road I watch that cop in my rearview mirror until I can no longer see them...on any long trip I wear my prescription glasses in hopes that I give off a different look...When I'm out at night and I stop somewhere I don't put my hands in any pocket just so they're visible at all times...
I have no record, grew up on Air Force bases and in the suburbs, I've been in the military for 10 years...don't do drugs...don't go around being rude or disrespectful...but my experiences for being a Black Man in America has caused a lot of paranoia in certain situations and wonders of "what if that was me"...I have respect for anyone in a position of authority but I wrote all this to show that you don't have to live a certain way or be from a certain neighborhood to feel a level of paranoia when in certain situations...so let me know what I did to be put on those situations...
Philando Castile was pulled over because his nose was similar to a suspect...
Charles Kinsey was shot while on his back with his hands in the air...was handcuffed after being shot...and the officer told him he didn't know why he shot him...
It can be nerve wrecking sometimes being black/brown and living in America...that's all we're saying...

Untitled Thoughts 28 Nov 15

Its easy to call you Queen, when you rule my thoughts so easily. Each day i wake up I think about you before me. Each night when I pray I wish you were with me. Even when I'm sleep it's a movie of you and me. Never wishing you were mine bc owning you is not for me. We both belong to God, so i imagine he molded you for me. He brought me through many storms to grow and be the man that you need me to be. Not just talking smooth lines but allowing you to see. You're already a Queen on Earth, i just want to treat you how you should be. And pray that when you close your eyes and see your blessings, that you're visualizing a picture of me...

Young Tenderoni

I've been to the highest of highs and down to the lowest of lows. But one thing i can see, is just how much I've grown. I'm no longer sprinting to the finish line but finally able to enjoy the race. You're unlike anything I've ever witnessed and it's more than just a pretty face. You have goals set forward and wont accept less than your dreams. You're something like an all star player but still understand how to be part of a team. You've been hurt as well so you know how to feel pain. But smart enough to know that the sun, will still shine after the rain. There's no question about you being on my mind, bc all day i think of you. But I'm not thinking of a fairly tale. Instead looking at the dream come true. No games were played from day one and no lines ever used. I actually like this girl, and this feeling should be breaking news. A simply text, when we havent talked all day. Lets me know that thoughts of me were forming that way. You couldve easily let your past break you, and no one would question why. But you seem like you may be opening up some, for this simple guy. You dont care about louie and kors but deserve it all the same. Because you got me feeling like this, anytime I hear your name.

Just me thinking...9-12-15

Stuck on a level of confusion. You seem to be the sunshine to clear out the rain, yet our commitment to shine together has yet to be made. But the thought of being with anyone else forms an overcast that is sure to bring stormy weather. In a situation where I'm not sure if I'm in drive or in park, it would seem as though I'm in Neutral. Not going forward yet with a push i can begin rolling.
What i do know is that i dream of the views we can take and memories we can make the moment we decide to go forward with this journey. You're the one I want as my copilot...regardless the trip...short or long...i know it'll be well worth the ride...
So whenever the day should come that we decide we're going to start walking hand in hand, with you as my girl and me as your man.just know that showing you more sun than rain...more joy than pain...will always be the plan...

Untitled 10 Dec 14

Just another day of me pretending to be strong, while i sit at home listening to these old love songs. I'm missing and please stay steady playing, wishing it was your ears hearing what they're saying. Even though its been months, my heart remains true. With all the women in the world, the only for me is you. So I'll just keep spending my days praying for love in my life. All the while preparing for the day i take you as my wife.

My One True Love

They look at me and wonder, how can he smile when all around him the walls are tumbling down. Why does he seem so at peace, laughing at something even though we hear no sound. Little do they know, that the walls are crumbling because i needed more room to grow. The love i have for you is to big to hide so we must make room to show. Even in my loneliness, i know that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Not bc of any dreams or hopes, but faith that God has built a path that leads right your way.
They wonder why don't i move on and do what makes me happy and more? But how can i move on from what brings me joy and expect to be happier than before? I've found what true love is about, that love we all pray for. So there's no reason to look any further, no one else my heart wants more. She's my morning sunrise, and my lifes happily ever after. With her i can fight any battle and withstand any of lifes disasters.
She is my first true love and the owner of my heart. The worst feeling in the world is knowing that we are apart. But from this day forward, my mission is simple yet true. To love and support you for the rest of my life, is all i aim to do.